Simple Math: A Fairy Tale

My wife asked me a question this morning about the $850 billion debt package we're about to pass and it was so simple yet profound that I've decided to build a fable around it called, "Simple Math." It was a beautiful Saturday morning in the province of Maryland, where the taxes are more numerous than the tobacco plants that once filled the landscape, the knaves in blue have reigned since before The War Between The States, and businesses dare not venture in or they will surely die. My lovely wife sat at the table reading the latest fairy tales in the Washington Post, an indulgence in which I generally do not partake.

The latest tale, far more insidious than any written by the Brothers Grimm, spoke of the spell being conjured up behind the marble walls of the Capitol, the City on a Hill, that would create $850 billion of currency from thin air and scatter it across the kingdom of America in the hope that it would land on fertile soil and bear much fruit. The Blue Wizards are being exhorted by He Who Must Not Be Questioned, the sorcerer who ascended to the throne of the White House through powerful magic that enraptured the people, though he had yet to complete his training and was still tender in years and seasoning.

The Red Wizards are fighting valiantly to prevent this spell from being completed for they know it will bring false hope and change to the people and punish their offspring for generations to come. Their efforts, however, are being thwarted for they are low in number and the wizards named Specter, Collins and Snowe, whose red robes have faded over the years as their hearts turned away from the truth, committed treachery most foul by appeasing the Blue Wizards, whose siren song of bipartisanship and patriotism clouded their minds and lured them toward the rocks of their own destruction.

The love of my life turned to me with an expression of bewilderment and asked, "How many people are there in the kingdom of America?" She is from the kingdom of France and therefore knows little of our great kingdom. "303 million, my precious," I replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Forgive me for saying this," she responded ever so gently, "but wouldn't it make more sense to distribute the $850 billion so every person gets a check? After all, they will either spend it, save it, invest it or pay their debts, and all of those things actually stimulate the economy, do they not?"

"This is a great day!", I cried. "The tales in the Post have not yet diminished your common sense!"

"Alas," I said with great sorrow, "you are as naive as you are wise."

"Why do you say that?", my darling said, and her expression made me realize that I must explain myself quickly or face her wrath which is an awesome thing to behold.

"You see, my angel, the Blue Wizards are not looking to stimulate the economy but rather their own residency in the City on a Hill. Why else would they be rewarding the Order of ACORN for their tricks in battle that made their numbers appear greater than they really were? Or the bloodthirsty Witches of Planned Parenthood who long to dine on the flesh of unborn innocents and must have the coin of the realm to continue their grisly work? How will they buy off the Robber Barons of Labor who deprive their serfs of work by inflating the wages they earn beyond the ability of the Captains of Industry to pay?

"No, my sweet, this isn't a stimulus spell but a porcine spell to expand the size of their empire, reward the rapscallions who empowered them, and accede to the will of He Who Must Not Be Questioned."

"Sounds silly to me," she said, indicating to me that her limited patience with the topic of politics had just run its course.

Yet I couldn't help but wonder if others around the kingdom resisted the witchcraft as my partner for life had just done, perhaps the Blue Wizards could be defeated, The Red Wizards encouraged, the traitors Specter, Collins and Snowe banished to their wintry northern climes, and He Who Must Not Be Questioned sent spinning into the heavens after realizing that not all of us believe in fairy tales.